


Party

by RBCQ



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Lesbian AU, alcohol tw, drugs tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 07:20:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8047477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RBCQ/pseuds/RBCQ
Summary: Now we're having a party
  
  And all our friends are having a laugh, hey
  
  But it's not so funny to me
  
  When morning comes, you'll be gone





	Party

**Author's Note:**

> based on the song party by jp cooper

_We got a problem, sitting in front of two piles of albums_

 

Their - _her_ \- apartment was half-empty. Boxes lined one wall; boxes that weren't hers, boxes that hurt to look at.

 

_We were so happy the times that we bought them_

 

She hated it. She hated waking up and rolling over to find the other side of the bed empty and too cold for her to pretend it wasn't.

 

_All that we know about love is in them_

 

She hated opening the door when she came home after a long day and almost expected to see her sitting on the couch, almost expected to hear her calling her name.

 

_All that we have learned_

 

So, she filled the empty space with music. The record player in the corner of the room followed her through the apartment, perching on her dresser while she got dressed, on the kitchen counter while she made herself something to eat, on the living room table while she cleaned. The cord dragged behind her on the floor as she carried it with her, but she couldn't find it in herself to care.

 

_Helping you out when I don't wanna_

 

A week later, she stopped by to pick up the rest of her things, the boxes that wouldn't fit into her car when she left. The apartment got emptier, all the little trinkets she'd collected missing from their spots along every shelf. The records stayed where they were, covering her side of the couch, covering her side of the bed, albums and colors trying desperately to fill the hole she had left.

 

_Carrying boxes and memories for ya_

 

The music only worked for a little while. It worked until she picked up a record she remembered buying with her; she remembered sitting wrapped up in a blanket with her and passing a bowl back and forth until they were both giggling, then getting up and putting the record on with clumsy hands, wrapping her up in her arms and dancing around the apartment to it. Her feet followed the same path they had so long ago, spinning slowly around the room in time with the beat, but this time she was alone.

 

_I'm not a smoker but now I'm searching_

 

The record player was put back into its box and started collecting dust in the corner of the living room, the records packed into a box next to it. She decided she hated boxes. She hated looking at that corner of the living room.

 

_For a light_

 

She stopped going out. Half the songs that played brought back too many painful memories, and there wasn't enough alcohol in the world to stop the vise that closed over her empty void of a heart.

 

_Now we're having a party_

 

Raven insisted that she go.

 

_And all our friends are having a laugh, hey_

 

"You never come out anymore," she said, tugging on her hand, "I promise you'll have fun."

 

_But it's not so funny to me_

 

She couldn't help the fact that she kept scanning the room, wondering if she'd show up. When she finally spotted a blonde streak in the middle of the room, it was only a half-second before their eyes met.

 

_When morning comes, you'll be gone_

 

Nausea rose up in the back of her throat, and she almost ran out of the room. Almost. But the song switched, and she was suddenly frozen there, like a deer in the headlights except the headlights were her eyes and she knew she wasn't going to die, she only felt like it.

 

_We got a problem, they playing our song but we're done with the dancing_

 

Raven nudged her, and she turned, her throat closing up and tears threatening to overflow. She raised her eyebrows as if to ask if she was okay, and she tried to answer but no words made it out of her lips.

 

_It won't be long before everyone's asking_

 

When she turned back, the blonde streak was gone, and her heart fell through the floor. The few seconds their eyes had met had been the first time she'd seen her in almost two months, and she'd be a liar to say her heart didn't soar into her throat, her head filling with stupid _what-if'_ s.

 

_Wishing we could still talk about it_

 

The song filled her head, swirled around her body, and she wished with every ounce of her being that she could fall backwards through time, back into her arms, dancing around the couch with the same song floating from their record player.

 

_Your decisions will come back to haunt you_

 

Raven decided she needed to smoke. She pulled her outside and handed her a bowl and a lighter without a word, and she smoked the whole thing, eager for the release of the anxiety that pulled its fingers tight around her neck.

 

_And I'll be the ghost of a lover that lost it_

 

She followed Raven back inside, into the kitchen, but she only made it a handful of seconds before she heard a familiar laugh and her heart stopped for half a second.

 

_Is there a way we can talk about it?_

 

Without a second thought, she threw back a full cup of alcohol, not caring what it was, not caring that it burned the back of her throat and dripped down her chin. She didn't want to think.

 

_Oh no_

 

It felt like a game, following Raven from person to person as she talked and flirted, flinching every time she saw a hint of blonde-in-black hair, drinking every time she heard her voice in the crowd.

 

_Now we're having a party_

 

The music was loud but not loud enough, her head was spinning and the world was spinning faster, she wasn't quite sure where the ground ended and she began but that was okay, she didn't care.

 

_And all our friends are having a laugh, hey_

 

But she couldn't ditch the stomach-twisting feeling of heartsickness.

 

_But it's not so funny to me_

 

So she smoked more, an entire bowl to herself while Raven rubbed her shoulder and told her it was going to be okay.

 

_When morning comes, you'll be gone_

 

She knew it wasn't going to be okay, but her lips couldn't figure out how to form the words, so she just cried.

 

_We're just having a party_

 

The music swept her up and pulled her away, and when Raven suggested they get another drink, she didn't object.

 

_But it's feeling like a funeral, hey_

 

If this was what dying felt like, with the world muddled around her and her limbs all out of order, her heart pounding in her ears and her body too heavy to hold up properly, she was okay with it.

 

_Seen so much in here_

 

A bright laugh and a flash of a soft yellow dress - a dress she'd bought for their anniversary, so long ago - brought on another round of tears, and her legs decided to stop working halfway into the bathroom.

 

_When morning comes, you'll be gone_

 

Raven sat next to her and held her hair away from her face while she retched into the toilet.

 

_That's when the music stops_

 

They went outside to smoke more, to get her mind off that pretty yellow dress, but when they sat down on the lawn, she walked outside, holding another girl's hand.

 

_And I see faces drop_

 

She couldn't pull her eyes away.

 

_I'm beside myself, have you forgot?_

 

Bile rose up in her throat as she watched them kiss under the stars.

 

_All that we've been through_

 

She could hear her laughing and talking softly but couldn't make out any of the words. The pair walked down to the street, getting into a car and driving away, all while she watched silently, tears rolling down her cheeks once again.

 

_We're just having a party_

 

Raven handed her the bowl without saying anything, and they passed it back and forth underneath the stars, the smoke making hazy clouds in the chilly air.

 

_But it's feeling like a funeral, hey_

 

The world was spinning her around, head-over-heels, and she lay back in the grass, her body refusing to cooperate with her.

 

_Seen so much in here_

 

Somehow, Raven got her to stand up, and they made their stumbling way back inside, where she leaned into a wall for support.

 

_When morning comes, you'll be gone, you'll be gone_

 

Someone pressed another cup into her hand and she drank, dropping the empty thing to the ground with a little giggle and a hiccup.

 

_We're just having a party_

 

Raven pulled her to the middle of the room, where everyone was dancing, the air thick with smoke and the distinct smell of "I'll regret this tomorrow but for tonight let's just have fun".

 

_But it's feeling like a funeral, hey_

 

Her body was on autopilot, drunkenly moving against Raven in time with the music, a dopey smile stretched across her face. Without the fear of seeing that yellow dress, that blonde streak, she let go of herself.

 

_Seen so much in here_

 

She laughed for what felt like the first time in years, she stretched her hands up to the sky and shouted the lyrics to the songs she knew, the press of bodies around her the only thing keeping her upright.

 

_When morning comes, you'll be gone_

 

But when she woke up on her couch the next morning with a pounding headache, the record player's box stared her blankly in the face, and the crushing emptiness returned.


End file.
